Raising our children is such an important job.
Perhaps by this stage of the program you’re becoming curious about this ‘strong love’ parenting and what it has to offer you and your family.
So, let’s take a closer look into this approach – but as we do so we need to remember the following:
- We are all growing as parents – Yes, we are all learning this is a journey that will probably last our lifetime.
- No one right answer – The program is not suggesting that there is any one right way of raising children and it is not going to tell you what to do in every situation you encounter. Instead it encourages you to think and grow in your journey as a parent.
- Trying new ways is not always easy – Growth is sometimes a slow process, building from where we are now towards where we most want to be.
- Keep trying anyway – This program offers parents the opportunity to share this journey with other parents and be supported along the way.
You may be wondering why we are taking the time to think about the history of parenting and not just immediately discussing different ways of handling children these days.
This thought crossed my mind as well, until one day I was listening to a school debate by 11 year olds on the topic of the past versus the future. The theme and repeated message from the children was:
“We need to learn from the past – to make the future last”.
As concerned parents we need to understand what we’re struggling with and how we arrived at this place before we can effectively decide how we want to handle any current difficulties.
After looking back into the past and forward into the future, we are now looking for a model of parenting approaches that helps us make sense and work with these very different ideas about raising children.
Building a model of ‘parenting styles’
What do we mean by the phrase ‘parenting style’?
A person’s ‘parenting style’ is how they would most likely (or intuitively) respond to the situations that occur in their parenting life.
This style is usually a reflection of their own thoughts, feelings and life experiences – which together form a typical way they react in different situations.
We know that every human being is unique – a person with their own thoughts, feelings, and life experiences. Naturally then, this means that every parent is also unique.
It is also true that every parent may respond in different ways on different days, or in different situations or with different natured children. However, we’re going to call the typical way that a parent responds their ‘parenting style’.
Is it possible for people to change or modify their natural parenting style? Of course it is. But like most areas of life, change usually begins with an understanding of what we do and why followed by how we would like things to be different.
To help us, we’ve built a model of parenting styles.
The ‘tougher style’ of parenting
Remember the earlier times in history when life was hard and this was reflected in the way parents raised their children.
We’ll call these approaches ‘tougher styles’ of parenting.
The ‘tougher style’ focuses on the adult’s needs more than on the children’s. Pressure is placed on the children to conform to what the adult wants.
The ‘tougher style’ is reflected in the old cliques – children should be seen and not heard, the man is the head of the household, and to spare the rod is to spoil the child.
But what does the ‘tougher style’ look like?
In parents using a ‘tougher style’ you tend to see
- parents yelling and criticising
- parents demanding and disciplining
- parents showing little empathy for their children
- parents with very little warmth, encouragement or affection
And what about the children?
In children whose parents use a ‘tougher style’ you tend to see
- children with low self-esteem and lacking self-confidence
- children who are more anxious and fearful
- children with poor relationships with their parents
- and at times you may also see children who are angry, rebellious or self-destructive.
Too tough is cruel
At the extreme of the ‘tougher styles’ is what we will call ‘cruel parenting’. This is the types of parenting that Robin Grille documented- parenting approaches that accept children being beaten, sexually abused, abandoned or sold as slave labour.
We now understand that ‘cruel parenting’ creates damaged human beings who mostly go on to perpetuate cruelty in their adult lives.
This program argues that … A ‘tougher style’ of parenting may be harmful
A ‘cruel style’ is harmful and never acceptable
The ‘softer style’ of parenting
Our current society has rebelled against this ‘tougher style’ of parenting – and probably for very good reasons – and has evolved into the more liberal, child-focused ‘softer style’.
The ‘softer style’ focuses on the child’s needs more than the adults. Pressure is placed on the adult to play their role in meeting their children’s needs.
In parents using a ‘softer style’ you tend to see
- parents who are close and listening
- parents providing for their children
- parents who are encouraging and supportive
- and sometimes parents who have difficulty saying no.
In children whose parents use a ‘softer style’ you tend to see
- children who are confident and assertive
- children with a strong sense of entitlement (ie believe they have a right to have what they want),
- children with close relationships with their parents
- and sometimes children who are demanding and self-absorbed.
Too Soft is mushy
At the extreme end of the ‘softer style’ is what this program calls ‘mushy’ parenting.
You may be wondering – how could loving our children ever be ‘too much’?
A ‘mushy’ style means our lives become all about our children’s lives.
In ‘softer styles’ we encourage our children to learn to speak up for themselves. But before you know it, they are speaking up for themselves and over us. It becomes harder for our own voices to be heard or our needs to be met.
In ‘softer styles’ we encourage our children to experience life to the full. But before you know it, we find ourselves rushed off our feet, our lives over-scheduled, and ourselves dropping with exhaustion as we taxi them to their many activities and social engagements.
These are the warning signs that a ‘softer style’ is becoming too soft or ‘mushy’.
This program argues that … A ‘softer style’ of parenting may be unhelpful.
A ‘mushy style’ is unhelpful and may be harmful.
This parenting approaches model is one interesting way of looking at the great diversity of styles parents have when raising their children. Perhaps by looking at this model you can more easily identify your own intuitive style – that is, the one you do most naturally.
What is ‘strong love’?
Strong love is a more balanced approach that focuses on the needs of both parents and children within a loving, supportive relationship. In this way, it help creates a bond that enriches both their lives and can last a lifetime.
Let’s look again at the parenting styles model. On this model a ‘strong love’ approach blends together the positive aspects of a softer style (nurturing and encouraging) with the positive qualities of the tougher style (directing and disciplining) in a thoughtful, meaningful way.
In simple words, ‘strong love’ is about …
… loving deeply without overloving, overpraising or overindulging.
… living with an appreciation for what we have, not regret for what we don’t.
… believing that we have so much more to offer our children than just being their slaves
or moneytrees, we share our lives with them.
… seeing life as a wonderful opportunity if we live wisely and balance our own needs
with the needs of others.
… remaining awake to the world around us and prepared to embrace the changes
that are coming.
Much of the history of childhood in the west is a hellish tale of widespread neglect and abuse, and the further back into history we look, the more brutally we see children treated.
The ‘tougher style’ focuses on the adult’s needs more than on the children’s. Pressure is placed on the children to conform to what the adults wants.
The ‘tougher style’ is reflected in the old cliques – children should be seen and not heard, the man is the head of the household, and to spare the rod is to spoil the child.
But what does the ‘tougher style’ look like?
In parents using a ‘tougher style’ you tend to see
- parents yelling and criticising
- parents demanding and disciplining
- parents showing little empathy for their children
- parents with very little warmth, encouragement or affection
And what about the children?
In children whose parents use a ‘tougher style’ you tend to see
- children with low self-esteem and lacking self-confidence
- children who are more anxious and fearful
- children with poor relationships with their parents
- and at times you may also see children who are angry, rebellious or self-destructive.
Too tough is cruel
At the extreme of the ‘tougher styles’ is what we will call ‘cruel parenting’. This is the types of parenting that Robin Grille documented- parenting approaches that accept children being beaten, sexually abused, abandoned or sold as slave labour.
We now understand that ‘cruel parenting’ creates damaged human beings who mostly go on to perpetuate cruelty in their adult lives.
In the Building Stronger Families community we believe that …
